I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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Help Wanted
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.