I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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how it started vs how it ended
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17