I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.