I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.