Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Me, flirting😏

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

Ugh but profoundly

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed