I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today