I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.