Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Cinema or bowling

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

*exercises sarcastically*

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team