I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
what’s more important?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!