I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
You Might Also Like
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this