Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Cartman: Respect my
a a

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

See..?

.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

omg leave her alone

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.