Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.