Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster