I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself