Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?