I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there