I babysat for my neighbors last night. When they got home, there were dirty cups everywhere, the ice cream was melted and there was red nail polish on the velvet sofa. On the plus side, the kids never woke up.
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*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.