I babysat for my neighbors last night. When they got home, there were dirty cups everywhere, the ice cream was melted and there was red nail polish on the velvet sofa. On the plus side, the kids never woke up.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Become ungovernable.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?