I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
it was a valiant fight
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.