I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
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People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.