Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.