I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.