Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice