Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid