Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

this got me crying😭😭

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

marvel comics have peaked

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?