I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The United Steaks of America
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.