Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.