I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“