@Hobo_Splendido
@stephenjmolloy
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
You Might Also Like
@stephenjmolloy
@deardilettante
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
@prufrockluvsong
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
@BriarSly
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
@jwoodham
Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.
@MaraWritesStuff
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
@DarzieDAMN
It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
@SarcasticAlly12
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
@AnkCoupleTO
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
@XplodingUnicorn
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.