@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

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@stephenjmolloy

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

@deardilettante

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

@BriarSly

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@jwoodham

Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.

@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

@DarzieDAMN

It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

@SarcasticAlly12

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

@AnkCoupleTO

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.