Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.