I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!