i baked you a cake
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”