i baked you a cake
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
#parenting
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.