i baked you a cake
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
tag yourself
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
We’re all getting idioter.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
here we go again
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.