i baked you a cake
You Might Also Like
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
S M O L
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.