i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Not all heroes wear capes…
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.