i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*