i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Introverted vegans go meetless
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.