Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.