Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.