Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.