I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”