Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

man: wait

time: no

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.