I basically called this earlier today
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I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Seek kebab; not attention
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’