I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
the noise i just made
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.