Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Stick it to the man

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]