Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

The fall of Netflix

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days