Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”

“MORE BERRIES!”

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.