Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

felt that

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*