I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!