I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Mad Max Arctic Road
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?