i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
🤣😈🤣
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
What?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?