i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots