I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.