I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
You Might Also Like
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I see your IQ test came back negative
i actually laughed 😩
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.