i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?