i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
This will never not be funny 😭
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes