Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back