i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move