i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
peak technology
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.