Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

bought wrong eggs

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.