Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Breaking news:

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner