Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears