I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
any last words?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.