Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Usage Guidelines

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

Godspeed, John Glenn

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?