Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

British websites use biscuits.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.