I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Running from your problems is cardio .
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe