I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
#inspiration #foodforthought
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water