I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.