I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage