I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.