I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Need this in my life lol
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
mom gave me mine for free
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
