Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.