Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.