I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
How to draw a duck
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I would move hell over six inches for you
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Meowchelangelo
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention