I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Phonetics
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
being a writer on Twitter:
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE