Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

sometimes i miss this memes

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?