I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
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How did we not see this back then?
early stone age tool
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
(Jupiter –
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
*frowns in Scottish*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker